I'll start by saying that it took the hubby and I a year and a half of infertility treatments before the Lord blessed us with our smart, beautiful, ornery Felicity Hope. We started actively trying for baby #2 when she was 6 months old, which was over a year ago, and we are still trying. We're so sick of blood work, ultrasounds, and doctors appointments that we contemplate giving up from time to time. But then, we look at that super short, blue eyed hurricane that's taken our lives by storm in the best way possible and realize it's 100% worth it.
Having said that, let me say this; when you're trying to conceive there are pregnant people everywhere. There are packs of them that follow you around with well orchestrated game plans to make you feel worse than you already do. They're in front of you at every grocery store checkout line, they sit behind you at church, they're at McDonald's getting chicken nuggets for the 6 children they already have. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see a few of them hiding under my bed on the off chance I'm having a great nights sleep full of wonderful dreams and I need a substantial dose of sorrow and disappointment to drag me back to reality. Seriously. THEY. ARE. EVERYWHERE. In fact, there have been times that I've been tempted to conjure up an antidote for said pregnancy epidemic. Okay, okay, maybe it just seems that way, but the feelings are real nonetheless.
I'm more than ashamed to say that being happy for someone who is pregnant is a feeling I haven't felt since my little cousin got pregnant almost 2 years ago after her doctor told her she was unable to have children. I've had great friends and co-workers that have gotten pregnant since then and although I'm not angry towards them, I can't say I've been especially happy for them either. The worse situation so far arose yesterday evening while checking my Facebook messages. It was a family member whom I love, who is a great mommy and excited that she has been blessed with her second child. She was letting me know the date I had suggested for our next family dinner wouldn't work because that was the day she had planned for her gender reveal party. As I stared at that screen my world crashed down around me and I found it hard to breathe as sadness and ugly unbridled jealousy started attacking my heart. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time I had felt this way. While my public exclamations of "Oh, I'm so happy for you!" may be Oscar worthy, it's time to take a step back and realize I need take a piece of advice from Shakespeare and to thine own self be true. While it's perfectly "normal" to be angry about my infertility, as well as intensely sad, I need to stop holding myself to "normal" standards, because from where I'm standing normal translates to secular and that's one word that I never want to hear anyone use to describe me.
I AM THE DAUGHTER OF A KING.
The daughter of a king shouldn't bask in self-pity and fear, but rather face her obstacles head on knowing she has an army of angels behind her. That's the path I'm choosing. I refuse to let worldly conditions damage my heart and soul, but instead I will pray. I will bow before God, lift my hands as high as I can, and I will say "I'm yours. Let your will be done in me. In your time." And while I wait, I will study these verses until that dark place in me is unrecognizable because it's been filled with light and hope.
Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Having said that, let me say this; when you're trying to conceive there are pregnant people everywhere. There are packs of them that follow you around with well orchestrated game plans to make you feel worse than you already do. They're in front of you at every grocery store checkout line, they sit behind you at church, they're at McDonald's getting chicken nuggets for the 6 children they already have. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see a few of them hiding under my bed on the off chance I'm having a great nights sleep full of wonderful dreams and I need a substantial dose of sorrow and disappointment to drag me back to reality. Seriously. THEY. ARE. EVERYWHERE. In fact, there have been times that I've been tempted to conjure up an antidote for said pregnancy epidemic. Okay, okay, maybe it just seems that way, but the feelings are real nonetheless.
I'm more than ashamed to say that being happy for someone who is pregnant is a feeling I haven't felt since my little cousin got pregnant almost 2 years ago after her doctor told her she was unable to have children. I've had great friends and co-workers that have gotten pregnant since then and although I'm not angry towards them, I can't say I've been especially happy for them either. The worse situation so far arose yesterday evening while checking my Facebook messages. It was a family member whom I love, who is a great mommy and excited that she has been blessed with her second child. She was letting me know the date I had suggested for our next family dinner wouldn't work because that was the day she had planned for her gender reveal party. As I stared at that screen my world crashed down around me and I found it hard to breathe as sadness and ugly unbridled jealousy started attacking my heart. Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time I had felt this way. While my public exclamations of "Oh, I'm so happy for you!" may be Oscar worthy, it's time to take a step back and realize I need take a piece of advice from Shakespeare and to thine own self be true. While it's perfectly "normal" to be angry about my infertility, as well as intensely sad, I need to stop holding myself to "normal" standards, because from where I'm standing normal translates to secular and that's one word that I never want to hear anyone use to describe me.
I AM THE DAUGHTER OF A KING.
The daughter of a king shouldn't bask in self-pity and fear, but rather face her obstacles head on knowing she has an army of angels behind her. That's the path I'm choosing. I refuse to let worldly conditions damage my heart and soul, but instead I will pray. I will bow before God, lift my hands as high as I can, and I will say "I'm yours. Let your will be done in me. In your time." And while I wait, I will study these verses until that dark place in me is unrecognizable because it's been filled with light and hope.
Proverbs 14:30
A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 37:4
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.