I woke up this morning to a sound that I hadn't heard in quite some time. So long, in fact, that I didn't recognize it as first, but just as quickly as I heard it, my heart realized what it was. It was the sound of the deep silence my soul hibernates into after a long season of pain, frustration, and anger, followed by more pain. My soul only grows silent on two occasions; my daughter is hurting or my heart hurts more than my mind and body can comprehend. This was the latter. My goal here is to make sure this is a short lived storm, rather than a hibernation of the nothingness of sorts, so let's talk about it. And when I say let's talk about it, what I mean is please let me put my heart to paper and give me a little grace and support while reading my words bleed all over it.
If you know me, you know that I'm not so delicate in terms of voice decibel and/or speaking my mind. If you know me well, you know that my heart is far too delicate for me to maintain without a lot of pain and tears shed along the way. So, when I start out on a journey that's already difficult as well as a matter of the heart, I end up broken to the point that nothing but rest and God's word can even begin to treat me, let alone truly heal the dark, matted up mess that forms inside of me.
This week marked an anniversary of sorts for my husband and I; it's been 2 years since we started trying for our second baby. We've been down this road before, only it was slightly less challenging. It took us a year and a half on infertility medication to conceive what I can only describe as the greatest gift God could have ever given us. Felicity is funny, smart, quick witted, imaginative, and sweet to her core. I truly couldn't ask for a greater adventure than the one she's taken us on. When we started this journey of our second kiddo we thought we knew what our path would look like, but as it tends to work out in life, we had no idea. Not quite 6 months after we started medication I started feeling very ill. I have severe PCOS and a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing led us to believe it was just it "flaring up," but it didn't get better. My following ovary scan showed cysts far too large and too high in number to stay on hyper-ovulation medication, so I had no choice but to stop taking them. I focused on losing weight while being off my medication because, as I'm sure you know, being overweight (or underweight) hurts your chances of conceiving. I lost about 35 pounds, but still felt awful on a fairly regular basis. I've been on Metformin for quite some time now to regulate my sugars, so I chalked it up to it messing with my head and stomach (because it's been known to do that). Then came the passing out. At first, it was only a few minutes at most, then one day, while alone with our 2 year old, I passed out for almost 20 minutes. I decided it was time to take action, so I had lab work done, which showed everything was normal other than high calcium levels, which my doctor thought could be thyroid related, but my recheck 2 weeks later showed it was back down to normal. I had a brain MRI done, which showed a small lesion, but the neurologist that looked at it said it's common to see that in a patient that has chronic migraines (which I do), and said whatever is making me sick and causing me to lose consciousness isn't neuro related. So, for almost the last year of my life I've been waking up in pain from head to toe every morning, having at least one headache every day, throwing up without reason, and passing out without any explanation. I've sat in countless doctors appointments, been poked on more times than I count, and I still don't have any answers. I go back to the doctor next week to talk about seeing a cardiologist and I'm dreading it because it gives me hope that someone could figure things out, but also feels like disappointment will be waiting for me once I get there because they won't know what's going on either. Let me be clear; I'm not angry with my doctor or any of the specialists I've seen; I'm just sick of feeling trapped inside my own body with no way to escape and no end in sight.
I JUST WANT ANSWERS...AND ANOTHER BABY.
I don't need to be rich, get my way all the time, or even be right most of the time, but I'd really like to wake up pain free and pregnant. Well, as pain free as you can be while pregnant. Is good health and a growing family really that much to ask for? That depends. If it isn't God's plan for my life, then yes; it's far too much to ask for. He knows what's best for me and my sweet little family. He knows the desires of my heart and He's holding it while it breaks. I've always said that what makes life on earth so difficult is not knowing what our unearthly Father has in store for us, and this is no exception. He's molding me and making me better for whatever lies in my future and I. TRUST. HIM. The kind of broken I was by the time we found out we were pregnant with Felicity was the kind of broken that simultaneously makes you stronger and softer. He ripped my heart open so that it could take new form while it was healing, and let me tell you guys...That is an ugly, rough, long, dark, and downright lonely road to travel, but the product of said travel is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen happen inside myself, and I'm thankful for every single day of it.
Now to focus on how He's blessed us in our waiting room.
He made my dream a reality.
Restoring furniture, interior design, and making old things new has always been a passion of mine and I never thought my dream of doing it for others would become a reality, but God had bigger plans. I stumbled across an amazing store that looked like my very own version of Heaven on earth and asked if they'd be willing to look at some of the things I did, and just like that The Cottage Collective (now The Cottage Market) and I started our love story. I was in shock and awe as customer after customer came in and complimented my work, showed up to see what I'd have at each sale, and my custom orders started rolling in. Outside of being a wife and mother, there is no greater honor to me than creating things that other people live their precious lives around. Then the new owner of the store (a sweet, funny, generous woman who I'm beyond thrilled to know), began introducing new vendors to the store who have found different ways to shine their lights on the place I hold so dear to my heart. Last month I got to watch as they all loaded in the beautiful things they had poured their blood, sweat, and tears into, and couldn't believe how privileged I was to be in the midst of such gifted women who are absolutely beautiful inside and out. He seriously hooked me up here buttercups...And I know He's nowhere near done yet.
He led my husband to greener pastures.
My husbands job at a local accounting firm had become nearly soul crushing the last 6 months he was there. They piled work on him until he was overwhelmed and exhausted, wouldn't allow him overtime in order to complete it on a more realistic time schedule, and stopped promoting within in order to save the company money. At one time, he even considered taking a job that paid less and gave him less time at home with us, but thankfully God had been listening to his heart and was already working on it. He's at a place where he feels valued and compensated fairly both monetarily, as well in the realm of respect.
He's healing our miracle.
When Felicity was first born she had a million skin, food, and random substance allergies. Seriously, it was horrific. I couldn't take her to the grocery store without her breaking out from something, she needed special soap, shampoo, diapers, lotions, food brands, etc., etc., etc. She also had reflux so bad that she rarely kept anything down, was diagnosed with a sacral dimple that gave us a good scare a little over a year ago, and about 6 months ago or so we found out she has what I can only explain as a baby version of Raynauds Syndrome, which causes her brain to tell her body not to send blood to certain places, usually her face or hands. It was terrifying. I kept thinking she wasn't breathing during naps because she'd be light green up one side of her face or a bluish purple around her mouth. Thankfully, this doesn't pose any kind of actual threat to her unless one place goes without blood flow for a long period of time. I'm happy to report that she is allergic to less than half of the things she was at birth, we've only had one bad medication allergy scare, her sacral dimple isn't causing her any problems, and I rarely see her become chameleon like during nap time these days.
Bottom line: GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.
If you know me, you know that I'm not so delicate in terms of voice decibel and/or speaking my mind. If you know me well, you know that my heart is far too delicate for me to maintain without a lot of pain and tears shed along the way. So, when I start out on a journey that's already difficult as well as a matter of the heart, I end up broken to the point that nothing but rest and God's word can even begin to treat me, let alone truly heal the dark, matted up mess that forms inside of me.
This week marked an anniversary of sorts for my husband and I; it's been 2 years since we started trying for our second baby. We've been down this road before, only it was slightly less challenging. It took us a year and a half on infertility medication to conceive what I can only describe as the greatest gift God could have ever given us. Felicity is funny, smart, quick witted, imaginative, and sweet to her core. I truly couldn't ask for a greater adventure than the one she's taken us on. When we started this journey of our second kiddo we thought we knew what our path would look like, but as it tends to work out in life, we had no idea. Not quite 6 months after we started medication I started feeling very ill. I have severe PCOS and a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing led us to believe it was just it "flaring up," but it didn't get better. My following ovary scan showed cysts far too large and too high in number to stay on hyper-ovulation medication, so I had no choice but to stop taking them. I focused on losing weight while being off my medication because, as I'm sure you know, being overweight (or underweight) hurts your chances of conceiving. I lost about 35 pounds, but still felt awful on a fairly regular basis. I've been on Metformin for quite some time now to regulate my sugars, so I chalked it up to it messing with my head and stomach (because it's been known to do that). Then came the passing out. At first, it was only a few minutes at most, then one day, while alone with our 2 year old, I passed out for almost 20 minutes. I decided it was time to take action, so I had lab work done, which showed everything was normal other than high calcium levels, which my doctor thought could be thyroid related, but my recheck 2 weeks later showed it was back down to normal. I had a brain MRI done, which showed a small lesion, but the neurologist that looked at it said it's common to see that in a patient that has chronic migraines (which I do), and said whatever is making me sick and causing me to lose consciousness isn't neuro related. So, for almost the last year of my life I've been waking up in pain from head to toe every morning, having at least one headache every day, throwing up without reason, and passing out without any explanation. I've sat in countless doctors appointments, been poked on more times than I count, and I still don't have any answers. I go back to the doctor next week to talk about seeing a cardiologist and I'm dreading it because it gives me hope that someone could figure things out, but also feels like disappointment will be waiting for me once I get there because they won't know what's going on either. Let me be clear; I'm not angry with my doctor or any of the specialists I've seen; I'm just sick of feeling trapped inside my own body with no way to escape and no end in sight.
I JUST WANT ANSWERS...AND ANOTHER BABY.
I don't need to be rich, get my way all the time, or even be right most of the time, but I'd really like to wake up pain free and pregnant. Well, as pain free as you can be while pregnant. Is good health and a growing family really that much to ask for? That depends. If it isn't God's plan for my life, then yes; it's far too much to ask for. He knows what's best for me and my sweet little family. He knows the desires of my heart and He's holding it while it breaks. I've always said that what makes life on earth so difficult is not knowing what our unearthly Father has in store for us, and this is no exception. He's molding me and making me better for whatever lies in my future and I. TRUST. HIM. The kind of broken I was by the time we found out we were pregnant with Felicity was the kind of broken that simultaneously makes you stronger and softer. He ripped my heart open so that it could take new form while it was healing, and let me tell you guys...That is an ugly, rough, long, dark, and downright lonely road to travel, but the product of said travel is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen happen inside myself, and I'm thankful for every single day of it.
Now to focus on how He's blessed us in our waiting room.
He made my dream a reality.
Restoring furniture, interior design, and making old things new has always been a passion of mine and I never thought my dream of doing it for others would become a reality, but God had bigger plans. I stumbled across an amazing store that looked like my very own version of Heaven on earth and asked if they'd be willing to look at some of the things I did, and just like that The Cottage Collective (now The Cottage Market) and I started our love story. I was in shock and awe as customer after customer came in and complimented my work, showed up to see what I'd have at each sale, and my custom orders started rolling in. Outside of being a wife and mother, there is no greater honor to me than creating things that other people live their precious lives around. Then the new owner of the store (a sweet, funny, generous woman who I'm beyond thrilled to know), began introducing new vendors to the store who have found different ways to shine their lights on the place I hold so dear to my heart. Last month I got to watch as they all loaded in the beautiful things they had poured their blood, sweat, and tears into, and couldn't believe how privileged I was to be in the midst of such gifted women who are absolutely beautiful inside and out. He seriously hooked me up here buttercups...And I know He's nowhere near done yet.
He led my husband to greener pastures.
My husbands job at a local accounting firm had become nearly soul crushing the last 6 months he was there. They piled work on him until he was overwhelmed and exhausted, wouldn't allow him overtime in order to complete it on a more realistic time schedule, and stopped promoting within in order to save the company money. At one time, he even considered taking a job that paid less and gave him less time at home with us, but thankfully God had been listening to his heart and was already working on it. He's at a place where he feels valued and compensated fairly both monetarily, as well in the realm of respect.
He's healing our miracle.
When Felicity was first born she had a million skin, food, and random substance allergies. Seriously, it was horrific. I couldn't take her to the grocery store without her breaking out from something, she needed special soap, shampoo, diapers, lotions, food brands, etc., etc., etc. She also had reflux so bad that she rarely kept anything down, was diagnosed with a sacral dimple that gave us a good scare a little over a year ago, and about 6 months ago or so we found out she has what I can only explain as a baby version of Raynauds Syndrome, which causes her brain to tell her body not to send blood to certain places, usually her face or hands. It was terrifying. I kept thinking she wasn't breathing during naps because she'd be light green up one side of her face or a bluish purple around her mouth. Thankfully, this doesn't pose any kind of actual threat to her unless one place goes without blood flow for a long period of time. I'm happy to report that she is allergic to less than half of the things she was at birth, we've only had one bad medication allergy scare, her sacral dimple isn't causing her any problems, and I rarely see her become chameleon like during nap time these days.
Bottom line: GOD IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.